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Managing a Grown Child Struggling with Addiction

Addiction impacts not only the person struggling with it but also their friends and family. If not careful, loved ones might unintentionally enable the addictive behavior, which can hinder recovery and allow the problem to persist. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) notes that because addiction is often misunderstood, even well-meaning actions from friends and family can unintentionally obstruct progress.
Well-intentioned but poorly-informed individuals may inadvertently enable addiction to progress by shielding the person with addiction from consequences that could potentially initiate change.
While it can be difficult to accept, recognizing that you might be enabling a loved one’s addiction is a crucial first step toward addressing the issue.

Are You Enabling Your Adult Child

Enabling occurs when someone repeatedly solves problems for a loved one in a way that hinders their development of character or personal responsibility. For example, if an individual spends money on substances that fuel their addiction, leaving them unable to pay for essential expenses like rent or car payments, and you step in to cover their negligence, you may be enabling them. This can stunt their personal growth by shielding them from the consequences of their actions.
Though it may be difficult to acknowledge, especially when feelings of desperation and helplessness arise from caring for someone with a substance abuse issue, it’s crucial to the individual’s development and well-being to avoid enabling behavior.
Giving money that is unearned or undeserved is one of the clearest signs of enabling. Other signs include:
  • Keeping secrets about the addict’s behavior
  • Making excuses for their actions
  • Constantly bailing the addict out of trouble
  • Attempting to control the addict
  • Making threats without following through
  • Ignoring or downplaying the person’s addiction
  • Enabling is a common issue among loved ones of addicts, often rooted in the desire to help. However, to truly support an addict, it’s essential to help in a way that promotes their growth and learning, rather than rescuing them from the same mistakes repeatedly.
    Parents of addicts must be particularly mindful that their actions may allow their children to take advantage of the situation. Adult children with addiction issues who remain dependent on their parents often do so because of how the parents are handling the situation.
    Dependence on parents can occur at any age, whether the child is 25 or 55. It’s natural for a parent to want to protect and help their child, but if done improperly, it can allow the child to exploit their parent’s generosity. Setting boundaries, though difficult, can be an important step in addressing this problem.
    If you’re wondering whether you are enabling your adult child, consider asking yourself the following questions:
  • Does your adult child act with a sense of entitlement regarding money or gifts?
  • Do you find that after resolving one problem with your adult child, another quickly arises?
  • Do you feel more invested in your adult child’s well-being than they are themselves?
  • Do you feel as if you are being used?
  • Helping Without Enabling

    Finding the balance between helping your loved one and not enabling their addiction is crucial to supporting their progress. Because the line between helping and enabling is so thin, it can be challenging to know where to begin once you realize you may be enabling your child or loved one’s addiction. The ultimate goal of helping is to encourage them to become independent, which may be difficult for some parents who want to feel needed. However, fostering independence is the best and most appropriate outcome for your child.
    To help without enabling, it’s important to stay supportive and understanding while working together toward shared goals. Being overbearing or overly controlling can lead to negative outcomes, such as the addict shutting down or becoming defensive. Instead, maintaining a calm, firm, and non-controlling approach can motivate your child to pursue the goals you set together.
    Here are a few specific steps you can take to support your adult child in overcoming their addiction without enabling them:

    Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help

    You can’t handle everything alone, and if your child or loved one is serious about overcoming their addiction, professional help may be the best option. According to SAMHSA, only about a third of those who need substance abuse treatment actually receive it. Researching local treatment centers and presenting options to them can demonstrate your commitment to their journey. Letting them know that you will support them throughout their recovery can make a significant impact.

    Learn to Say No

    Saying no can be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you’ve been enabling them in the past. Refusing their requests for money, particularly when it’s clear they’ve spent theirs on their addiction, might be the wake-up call they need. This approach helps stop the cycle of minimizing the problem and encourages both you and your loved one to face the reality of the situation.

    Offer to Attend Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous Programs

    Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) are designed not only to support those battling addiction but also to help repair relationships with family and friends. These programs teach coping skills and provide a support network. Offering to attend meetings together lets your loved one know they are not alone in their fight against addiction.

    Understand You Can’t Control Everything

    Recognizing that you can’t single-handedly fix the problem can change how you approach the situation. Accepting that you don’t have full control over someone else’s actions can lead to a more collaborative and understanding attitude. However, it’s still crucial to remain firm in your boundaries.
    While some of these recommendations may seem harsh, tough love is sometimes necessary to open someone’s eyes. Not being firm enough can cause you to slip back into enabling behavior. Although your child or loved one may initially reject you after setting boundaries, Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein suggests that they will likely come around in time.

    Nurturing Independence

    As discussed, the goal of helping your child or loved one struggling with addiction is to guide them toward independence and, ultimately, a healthy lifestyle free from drug or alcohol abuse.
    While challenges and crises are inevitable on this journey, it’s important that any assistance you offer includes a plan for your adult child to continue progressing toward independence.
    Remaining persistent in your efforts to promote independence is key. For example, you might encourage your loved one to make wise financial decisions. If they’re unable to pay their bills in full, suggest they make incremental payments until they can cover them entirely on their own. This approach addresses one of the biggest enabling issues—financial dependence.
    Another way to foster independence is by remembering that you have the right to say no or change your mind. While you can’t control the situation entirely and may face resistance, knowing that you can step back from a dilemma is important.
    Here are a few other strategies to encourage an independent lifestyle:
  • Encourage them to solve problems on their own without relying on others.
  • Take time to consider requests for help rather than immediately agreeing.
  • Urge them to seek a work environment that suits their lifestyle.
  • Creating an environment that promotes independence is vital to the recovery process.

    The Mental Illness Aspect

    The National Bureau of Economic Research highlights a significant link between mental illness and substance use, stating that “Individuals with an existing mental illness consume roughly 38 percent of all alcohol, 44 percent of all cocaine, and 40 percent of all cigarettes. Furthermore, those who have ever experienced mental illness consume about 69 percent of all the alcohol, 84 percent of all the cocaine, and 68 percent of all cigarettes.
    Dealing with a loved one struggling with addiction is challenging, and the presence of mental illness adds another layer of complexity. It’s important to be prepared for this aspect of the situation.
    According to SAMHSA, less than half of those with mental health issues receive treatment. Despite the stigma surrounding mental illness and addiction, which can make it difficult to persuade your loved one to seek help, addressing mental health is a crucial part of the recovery process.
    Stigma is dangerous for the millions of Americans affected by mental health conditions. It causes people to feel ashamed for something that is out of their control, prevents them from seeking help, and even takes lives,” said Mary Giliberti, CEO of NAMI. “Although stigma is a virus that anyone can be exposed to, we do have a cure, and that is compassion and understanding.
    If mental illness goes unchecked or untreated, it can significantly hinder the recovery process and prolong the addiction.
    The National Alliance on Mental Illness advises that encouraging someone to seek therapy can be delicate and easily misinterpreted. They offer a few tips for approaching this process:
  • Use non-stigmatizing language to show support.
  • Approach the situation with sensitivity and understanding.
  • Avoid initiating discussions when the person is in a bad mood or tired.
  • Address specific problematic behaviors directly rather than speaking in vague terms.
  • The connection between addiction and mental illness is clear, and this understanding should influence how you approach your loved one’s situation. While mental health treatment is essential, it shouldn’t completely overshadow their progress toward recovery and independence. Although it may make the journey more challenging or extend the timeline, the ultimate goal remains the same.

    What to Do Next

    If you or a loved one needs help with treating substance use disorder, reach out to Sunrise Recovery. At Sunrise, our drug and alcohol rehab programs are equipped with the tools to help your loved one overcome addiction and get back on the right path. Contact Sunrise Recovery today—our admissions team is ready to take your call, listen to your story, and assist you in taking the next step toward finding peace for yourself or your loved one.

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